Deadpool PSA Palace
by megamatt09
Summary: Now in one easy to find place, all future Deadpool PSAs, where Wade talks about life, the universe, and everything. Features Dolores Umbridge of Harry Potter fame as our special guest butt monkey.
1. Chapter 1

"Hello my name is Wade Wilson and I AM NOT THE FATHER!"

Deadpool steps into the scene, pumping his hand into the air, with a fist pump.

"So this is the first new-new thing that has been posted of the big blow up from the author of this story, and to continue my community service, I have brought you some Chicken Soup for the Soul, which will become the Diarrhea of your ass tomorrow," Deadpool said. "And instead of being a loosely connected series of one shots, the Deadpool PSAs are now its own story, so boo-yah bitches, I join the likes of the Scar Boy, The Guy with the Underwear On the Outside of His Plants, and that guy with the webs. So all future PSAs will be posted in one easy to read place. "

Deadpool did a little Irish jig.

'_I'm pretty sure we're embarrassing someone with that one.'_

"Right, I'm going to talk about a very serious subject today, pregnancy," Deadpool said and he stopped and smiled. "Male pregnancy."

There was a few seconds where there was a gasp everywhere.

"As anyone with a few brain cells can tell you, a child is conceived with a union of a man and a woman, sometimes a woman is with several men, which in that case, get Jerry Springer on the line," Deadpool said with a smile. "That being said, too many dicks on the dance floor would not result in child. And if a guy was pregnant, I would be extremely terrified, and scared."

Deadpool looked around.

"And I would be very disturbed, because quite frankly unless you're writing sea horse porn, than by all means go nuts, that's not something that happens, and I swear if you bring up Fairly OddParents I will cut you in your soul," Deadpool said looking towards them. "Man puts his thingy into a woman's you know-what, and nine months later, one plus one equals three, or something like that."

Deadpool smiled.

"And then come the two o'clock feedings, the dirty diapers, and the good god, how can you hold that much shit and puke for something so small?" Deadpool asked, shaking his head. "But enough about my weekend…..I really have no idea why people write this Mpreg stories. Why does anyone do anything? Why do people ship characters together who the only thing that have in common as that they might breathe oxygen?"

Deadpool smiled.

"I have three theories, first of all, there are some women who would imagine a pregnant male being hot, and I don't even want to fucking speculate why that's the case. Second theory, well some women can be spiteful and don't kill me ladies, but y'all know it's the truth. Of course, given the IQ of some of the people who write said stories, I really fucking hope that they haven't reproduced, because for the love of Stan that's a scary thought, but some women might want envision men to go to the miracle of childbirth."

Deadpool paused.

"Or something traumatic in my childhood…..I mean their childhood, their childhood," Deadpool said shaking his head. "It was their childhood that was traumatic, not mine, no sir….okay maybe a little bit."

X-X-X

"Doctor, you've got to help me, I feel like there are people watching me all of the time and some of them aren't even wearing pants," Deadpool said, and a second Deadpool, wearing a lab coat, thick glasses, and a white beard nodded, before speaking in a rather bad German accent.

"Hmmm, I see, well my friend, you have discovered the concept of the fourth wall, and you are self aware that our existence is nothing but the bullshit," Doctor Sigmund Deadpool said. "Think back to when you were a small little boy."

"You want me to flashback, I don't know doctor, last time I did that, it gave me bad gas," Deadpool said.

"Come on, my boy, concentrate, I'll give you a lollipop."

"You know, my mother said never to take candy from strangers," Deadpool said.

"Your mother isn't here you silly little boy," Sigmund Deadpool said. "Now I've got a nice hard lollipop in my pants, if you're such a good little boy."

Deadpool swallowed. "I need an adult."

"I am an adult."

"Well, I'm fucked aren't I?"

X-X-X

"I can't believe that I raised such a worthless fuck up of a son like you," Daddy Deadpool bellowed. "You've disrespected me for the last time."

"Well maybe if you didn't smell of cheap booze all of the time?"

"So, if I smelled of expensive booze, you'd respect me?"

"Yes."

"YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY?"

X-X-X

'_So what the fuck just happened?'_

'_A flashback inside a flashback,' _Deadpool thought.

"Anyway, it boggles the mind that something…..well then again it really shouldn't because it's attached to pairings who never shouldn't be," Deadpool said shaking his head. "Scar Kid and the Greasy Guy, Mr. Clean and Underwear Boy, me and Wolverine…."

'_You didn't read it did you?'_

"No, but that's not the point, the point…..actually if a man is pregnant, I'm pretty sure that there is some kind of alien egg injection happens, and if that's the case, once those eggs hatch, it will east the host's internal organs from the inside," Deadpool said. "Oh dear god, it's Parasitic Skrull Babies!"

Deadpool gave a scream like a scared little girl.

"So, if you're pregnant and happen to be a dude, well you're kind of fucked, because Parasitic Skrull Babies are no laughing matter," Deadpool said crisply. "And if you need any more information about the mechanics of which a man and a woman make babies, you're likely too young to read this fan fiction."

'_You do realize that the little kids could find free porn with a simple Google search, couldn't you?'_

'_Well, you got to learn how to find porn on the Internet someday,' _Deadpool said. _'Just be sure to have good security software. Get MalwareBytes, it's well worth the money.' _

'_Oh, do we have a sponsor now?'_

'_If we do, I'm not getting a cut from this,' _Deadpool thought.

Deadpool cleared his throught.

"So to review, man parts plus lady parts equal baby, man parts plus man parts equal…..well that's your love life, so I'm not going to pry, we're rocking in the free world," Deadpool thought.

'_Except on Fan Fiction Dot Net where we're not allowed to post lemons,' _one of the Deadpool voices.

'_You just had to fucking go there, did you?' _Deadpool thought.

Deadpool cleared his throat, and smiled.

"That be all for this time, but let's go to what you wanted to see."

'_Hardcore nudity?' _one of the Deadpool voices asked.

'_I told you dipshit, we're not allowed to post it here,' _Deadpool thought.

"All free thought and expression should be suppressed, it is just dangerous to have such a thing, and you will learn to respect authority and you should respect us, even if we're limiting your freedom."

A squat toad faced woman dressed in pink stepped forward.

"Oh good, its Dolores Umbridge, the most hated character in all of fiction history," Deadpool said. "Seriously, I think that Carlie Cooper and Bella Swann have some fans, somewhere. No one likes you Dolores."

"Mr. Wilson, I will not put up with your disrespectfulness, you will learn to comply, with regulations, and you will not badmouth any administrative people ever again."

Umbridge looked at Deadpool, staring him down.

Suddenly "Ride of the Valkyries" started playing and Umbridge looked up, where dozens of paper planes came down, dive bombing her.

"Yoink!" Deadpool said, taking Umbridge's wand, not that she would use it anywhere. "Look ma, I got a new nose hair trimmer."

The paper airplanes gave Dolores Umbridge dozens of paper cuts and the mysterious magical force that controlled them kept dive bombing her.

Deadpool calmly watched Umbridge's plight, slowly eating a banana.

"I don't know, is that too risqué for this website, me eating a banana?" Deadpool asked, and he carelessly tossed the banana peel away.

Umbridge, already covered in paper cuts, slipped backwards on it, falling over a railing and landing in a vat of lemon juice.

"Um, that's it."

**See you next time!**


	2. Snape Fans Like It in the Back Door

**A friendly reminder, all Deadpool PSAs are done tongue in check. If you get offended, then please a doctor to get the stick in your ass surgically removed. Thank you.  
**

* * *

Deadpool was sitting down in front of a computer desk, repeatedly ramming his head into it.

"Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why!"

Deadpool paused and slammed his head on his desk.

"WHY!"

Deadpool shook his head.

'_Are we okay now?' _one of the voices in his head said.

"Yes, I guess," Deadpool replied and he shook his head right now. "I have received an e-mail from the author of this story….oh fuck I'm going to have to read this, aren't I?"

'_He's been in a completely surly mood lately, hasn't he?'_

"A bunch of people are on his shit list now," Deadpool commented, looking forward. "Some dumb cunt actually thinks that Severus Snape is worthy of not being killed on sheer principle. So I guess that proves that there's a white knight for everyone."

Deadpool laughed.

"The joke's on him or her, you can never will tell on the Internet these days, it could be a he-she for all we know…."

'_Is that even a proper term to use?'_

"I don't know, I can't call anyone anything without offending someone, and well I refer you back to the overly long gag at the top of this chapter," Deadpool said. "Hey author, after you do the harem with me, how about a story where you do nothing but write scenes with Lily killing off Snape over and over and over again? It'd be a comedy. Everyone will laugh….except for the Snape fans, but they don't count, because they are subhuman."

'_Is his bad mood this month affecting us subconsciously?' _one of the voices asked.

'_Damned if I know, we're extensions of his will, but joke's on this guy, girl….whatever, he/she/it's been on Megamatt09's shit list for years because every time they review, they whine and they bitch and complain,' _Deadpool said. _'So Megamatt09 is just going to delete this person's review…yeah it was on the other site, he doesn't have that type of power on yet, although more than a fair share of anonymous reviews have been flushed because of stupidity. And nasty things in them, that are unspeakable.'_

'_And obviously we can't call these people out because they're hiding behind the guest reviewer handle, because they're a bunch of pussies, anyone who leaves a flaming review and doesn't sign in under a profile are in fact a pussy,' _Deadpool said and he cleared his throat.

'_Weren't we supposed to do some kind of, reading the worst reviews ever thing here….'_

'_No, because that would be giving them attention, but anyone some whiny cunt who wants to take it up the bum from Snape or whatever, they're not going to get me down,' _Deadpool said and he shook his head.

"And now, that I've quit talking to the voices in my head, I've received an e-mail from the author of this story and….."

"HEM HEM!"

Deadpool looked up and he saw Dolores Umbridge standing there, looking worse for wear after the last chapter.

"Mr. Deadpool, I have to say that I'm very disappointed in your conduct just far, calling a fine upstanding citizen who wishes to see justice upheld names," Umbridge said to him.

"For the love of…"

"Mr. Deadpool, I wish to tell you that you should cease these PSAs for they are a corruptive influence on the youth of America….."

"Yeah, and they said Harry Potter promoted Satanism, not to be confused with Stanism…."

Stan Lee shows up and pumps his fist into the air.

"EXCELSIOR!"

Stan Lee leaves, cameo made.

"Oh come on, it's a Marvel based story, he has to have at least one cameo," Deadpool said and he looked up at Umbridge. "Anyway, they said the Harry Potter novels promoted Satanism, because of ritual abuse of animals, the use of witchcraft, and the line that there's no good and evil, there's only power and those too weak to see it."

Beat.

"You know, the line said by the villain….the evil Dark Lord…..tried to kill an infant, maimed animals, caused people's minds to snap, forced people to listen to Justin Bieber CDs, made them watch Twilight, you know that Dark Lord, cruel cruel acts that one," Deadpool said to Umbridge. "But the point is, if Harry Potter was shut down before the fifth book, you wouldn't exist. Because you are a fictional character and….."

"That is a lie!" Umbridge yelled.

"You can't handle the truth, Dolores, your existence hinges on the fact that a fictional series of books came out, and let's face it, no one likes you," Deadpool said to him.

"I don't care what anyone things, I will have order, and you will be taught a lesson."

"Oh please, you couldn't beat a squib with one hand tied behind his back and the other one helping you," Deadpool said. "You know what, if you can beat my good friend in battle, then I'll listen to you. If not, well…..I continue on dancing."

"What friend?"

"Oh he doesn't have any magical powers," Deadpool commented to her.

"No mere Muggle can defeat me."

"Yeah, there's nothing mere about this Muggle," Deadpool said, snapping his fingers.

"BONESAW IS READY!"

Umbridge was dragged into a caged wrestling ring that magically spawned and slowly beaten to a pulp by the legendary Bonesaw.

"Oooh, he just snapped her like a Slim Jim," Deadpool said and laughed. "And would you look at that, we're out of time. I guess we're going to have to discuss the secret of enlightenment another day."

**END PSA. **


	3. Something Wrong With Your Windows

**Disclaimer: If you don't like this story, that's okay, we didn't like your mom either. **

Deadpool was sitting at his desk when suddenly there was a knock on his door. The man got up to his feet and answered it, when a rather official lawyer type person slapped a summons in his hand.

"What's this for?" Deadpool asked.

"You are being sued by Tom Marvolo Riddle, better known as You-Know-Who, He-Must-Not-Be-Named, Lord Voldemort and the Dark Lord for gross deamination of character and damages to his sacred image…"

"How can I damage his image, I mean in canon, he died from a freaking disarming spell," Deadpool said.

"Mr. Wilson, your malicious lies shall not be tolerated, and we will see that a gag order will be placed on you, until this legal matter is resolved in a strict and efficient manner," the lawyer said, looking rather smug.

"A gag order, what the hell do you think this is, X-Men Origins: Wolverine?" Deadpool asked.

"Any comments that you will make can and will be used against you, in fact, you will have to cease performing these Deadpool PSAs until further notice," the lawyer said and Deadpool's mouth opened.

"You can't, I am doing a service for the mutants, how will they be enlightened if I am not able to PSA them?" Deadpool asked.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, but my client was very offended by what you said," the lawyer said with a smile on his face, and there was something smug about his expression. "If you wish to explore your options, I'll be waiting."

Deadpool placed his head down on his desk.

"Man oh live, I'm supposed to be on in twenty minutes, and I can't PSA, Mr. Cranky Author Douchebag will have my nuts if I don't fulfill my contracted obligations," Deadpool said once again and he slapped his head. "Think, think, think, think Wade, we need a replacement."

Deadpool shook his head once again and dialed up the phone.

"Logan, hey, Logan old buddy, how would you like to do a PSA, I mean you cameo everywhere else in the world," Deadpool said over the phone. "Excuse me, you'd like me to shove my what, where?"

There was a click and Deadpool dialed up the phone.

"Come on Potter, half of this shit is about your fandom and the fans that piss off Mr. Cranky Author Douchebag, pick up," Deadpool said, waiting on the other end of the phone.

"Hello, you have reached the residence of Harry Potter and his harem…..or collective, sorry I cannot come to the phone right now because I'm having loads of sex, if you would like, to leave a message at the beep and I'll be back to you when the orgy is finished."

"Well fuck you, I hope you catch some kind of Kryptonian STD," Deadpool grumbled, he wasn't even sure of wizards could catch STDs, he wasn't going to go through various Rowling interviews to clarify that.

Deadpool dialed up once again.

"Hey, Jonah, you've got a loud mouth and like yelling at people," Deadpool said with a smile. "How would you like to do a PSA?"

Deadpool paused.

"No, it's not about Spider-Man," Deadpool said and he paused. "Okay, yes, sir, I'll be on it right away…..and yes, I'll get you pictures, pictures of Spider-Man."

Deadpool once again dialed up another phone.

"WHO DARES CALL DOOM COLLECT!"

"Um, hey Victor, would you like to do a PSA?" Deadpool asked.

"Not now, I am plotting against that insufferable fool Reed Richards….."

"Get a room, Doom," Deadpool whispered.

"What are you trying to imply?"

Deadpool hung up the phone once again and dialed up once again.

"Hey, Summers, most of the fandom thinks you're a douchhole anyway, so how would you like to do a PSA?" Deadpool asked and the dial tone went dead.

Deadpool began calling up person after person, everyone from Howard the Duck to Rocket Raccoon turned down his offer to PSA and he was on in two minutes and twelve seconds.

"Come on Deadpool, think of something, you know, miracles happen," Deadpool said once again and suddenly the phone rang once again. "Howdy Doody!"

"Hello, is this Mr. Wade Wilson?" the man on the other end of the phone said in a thick Indian accent.

"Yes, this is Mr. Wade Wilson," Deadpool said.

"Hello, I am from the technical support department at Windows," the man said on the other end of the phone.

"What was that?" Deadpool asked suddenly.

"I said, I am here to call you about your Windows, how there is something wrong with your Windows," the man said.

"Wait, come to think of it, my windows is broken, must have been those punk kids," Deadpool said shaking his head looking over his shoulder at the window that had been busted.

"It's okay sir, we can help you fix the Windows, at no cost, no cost at all," the telemarketer over the phone.

"Okay, what do you want me to do, what time can you come over?" Deadpool asked.

"We can do this right here in your home, is your computer on?" the telemarketer asked.

"Yeah, my computer is on," Deadpool said, seeing the Bea Arthur nude fakes that were plastered all over his Netscape Navigator Browser on his Windows 95 computer. "Who are you anyway and where am I calling from?"

"My name is Steve and I'm calling from Canada," the man with the obviously Indian accent said.

"Oh, hey, Stevie Boy, what does turning on my computer have to do with the Windows?" Deadpool asked in confusion.

"No, the Windows, the Windows on your computer, I need you to turn on the Windows on your computer…"

"You want me to throw my computer out the window?" Deadpool asked.

"No, listen, sir, you need to get on your computer, and you need to type in some information, for there were viruses on the computer…."

"Viruses on the computer, oh that sounds bad," Deadpool said. "But I'm sure if I pour some chicken soup on the computer, it'll get better in the morning."

"No, sir, no sir, I need you to share your desktop…"

"I don't know, it's pretty cluttered with junk," Deadpool said, seeing the state of his desk, it looked like a tornado hit it. "I don't think that there are any room for you sir."

"Listen, sir, it is very important, if you do not get these viruses off the computer, then your computer will blow up and it will be very serious, you don't want this to happen, do you?"

"My computer would blow up, yikes, that doesn't sound good as well, but…..my computer has the Legacy Virus, doesn't it?"

"Yes, very good sir, I need you to access the run menu by pressing the four flag windows key," the man on the other end of the phone responded to him.

"Okay, I'm….wait a minute, how much is this going to cost me?" Deadpool asked.

"For lifetime protection, it won't cost you very much, friend."

"Because, I just gave a bunch of money to a nice man from Nigeria, he said he was a prince in fact," Deadpool added. "He wanted all my personal information but he seemed so sincere, and I figured, what's the harm in giving him this."

"Are you retarded? That is a scam, sir."

"No, no, it's not a scam, he said to trust him, and if we can't trust some stranger that went met through the Internet, I meant, who can you trust in this world?" Deadpool asked but he stopped. "But if you want me to get online….hang on, my Internet's out…..I think one of those Free AOL trial discs that I have ran out, but I have another one somewhere, hang on a second."

"Sir, sir, listen to me you need to…."

"I'll have the money in about six weeks, I mean sure that there have been some odd purchases on my credit card, but I must have been drunk," Deadpool said once again.

"Sir, you need to…"

"Are you calling my friend, the Nigerian Prince, a liar?" Deadpool asked in an incredulous voice. "You know, I was trying to get my window fixed, because I don't want a draft to come in here, and you're telling me to get on the Internet. Are you trying to send me to one of those websites, is this a sting, sir?"

"I'm sorry….."

"You're trying to send me to some website where I accidentally download kiddie porn, aren't you?" Deadpool asked. "Are you a cop? You know, you cops get your rocks off by tricking unsuspecting people to look at filth and then claim that they are some kind of sexual deviant, you know, I won't stand for such a lie."

"Well, sir, you must be a fool…"

"Well, you're some douchebag who is trying to ruin a good hard working man ,and I was supposed to find a replacement to do my PSA," Deadpool replied to the man on the phone. "Hey, do you want to do a PSA, it's about…"

Deadpool was hung up on.

"What is with everyone today?" Deadpool asked and he dropped his head down on his desk. "My computer might have contracted the Legacy Virus, my window is still broken, and I can't do a PSA….how could this day get any worse?"

"HEM, HEM!"

"Yeah kind of like that," Deadpool said and the one and only Dolores Umbridge stood in front of him, draped in bandages.

"So you think you're clever, don't you, Mr. Wilson?" Umbridge asked.

It was then that Deadpool got an idea, an awful idea. It was then where Deadpool got a wonderful, awful idea.

"Well, yeah, I don't me to brag but…..hey, Dolores, how would you like to do a PSA?"

"I beg your pardon," Umbridge said.

"I mean, you critique everything that I would do, so maybe you can do it better," Deadpool said.

"I will not be brought down by your crass actions….."

"It's about how Hermione Granger is a rotten girl with no redeemable features," Deadpool said, waving the script in front of Umbridge's face and the toad's face grew into a wicked and scary grip.

"Well, if it's about Granger, then that Mudblood deserves to be taken down a peg or two, so, I'll do it, and I'll put you out of a job, because an expert should be there to enlighten the masses," Umbridge said.

"Yeah, yeah, go and knock them dead," Deadpool said with a sigh. "Go break a leg."

'_You know this isn't the PSA that we were supposed to do,' _one of the voices in his head said.

'_I'm aware,' _Deadpool thought with a smile on his face and he went online to summon the official Harmonian Society of Harmony.

It was show time.

X-X-X

"HEM, HEM."

Umbridge showed up on the stage.

"Today, I will be talking about Hermione Granger, and you think that she's a delightful little girl I'm sure, but she's nothing but a nasty little liar," Umbridge said.

Deadpool stood at the top of the stage but he winced when the computer went off.

"Hello, I have received an e-mail from the author of this story," Deadpool whispered, trying not to get any legal types to hear him. He waved to Umbridge to continue. "The author says, and I quote, what the fuck is this shit?"

"Furthermore Miss Granger has enabled the ruthless rape and sexual molestation of myself by the Centaur herd of Hogwarts."

'_Seriously,' _Deadpool thought shaking his head.

There was another blinking e-mail on the computer.

"May I have your attention please, I have received another e-mail from the author of this story," Deadpool whispered. "The author says, and I quote, shoot Umbridge in the head before she gets that useless cunt sympathy."

"And furthermore, she assaulted upstanding purebloods and stolen magic from those who deserved it, and she doesn't have an original thought in my mind. She is guilty of plagiarism for she doesn't properly cite her references…'

The e-mail blinked to life once again and Deadpool wanted to head desk.

"May, I have your attention please, I have received another fucking e-mail from the author of this story, who may be on his way here to kill both myself and Umbridge on sheer principle for this entire mess," Deadpool whispered once again. "The author of this story says, and I quote, I agree with her, kill her now."

The doors of the studio slammed open and there was a group of rapid Hermione fan boys who entered.

"There she is, she's bashing poor defenseless Hermione," one of them said foaming at the mouth.

"Yeah, let's rip her apart," another one said with an obvious lisp.

They swarmed Umbridge, and the toad was dragged off of the stage once again.

"She said that Ginny Weasley was smarter than Hermione and more worthy for Harry Potter!" Deadpool yelled and suddenly Umbridge was curb stomped by the army of crazed Harmonians, and blood spilled on the ground as she was mauled viciously by the most delusional fans on the planet.

Deadpool stepped back and he shrugged his shoulders. With that we fade to black.

**End Scene. **


	4. Mustache Twirling Evil Lawyer

**The Following Deadpool PSA has been brought to you by Memphisto Divorce Attorney. At these rates, it's almost like making a deal with the devil. **

* * *

Last time, some shit happened and some words were written. Also Deadpool was prevented from speaking due to a class action lawsuit by Tom Marvolo Riddle, better known as Lord Voldemort, also commonly known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, and That Guy Who Keeps Ringing Your Doorbell and Run Away.

Dolores Umbridge was mauled by a bunch of rapid, that were also rabid, fanboys, and Deadpool managed to bamboolza a scam artist who tried to claim that something was wrong with his Windows.

* * *

Deadpool made his way to the stage once again and he walked up for a few seconds. He paused once again and waved his hand and turned around, walking back.

A random flunkey was shoved onto the stage, nearly falling over his feet, tripping hard, and landing on his face. There was a few pieces of paper thrown up into the air.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, due to recent allegations and due to certain Dark Lord's not having the stick that they were born through formally removed from their ass, Wade Wilson has been censored, truly this has been the greatest injustice of free speech since….well the latest greatest injustice of free suit," nameless faceless minion number twelve said shaking his head. "As a result, we're not quite sure what we're going do for the next fifteen hundred words for so, because Deadpool cannot speak, thanks to this lawsuit. We apologize, and everyone should collect their zero dollars at the door if they want a refund."

There was a lot of loud booing and hissing on the stage, but Deadpool had left the building once again and the stage was empty.

The laptop on the stage began to blink and the minion made his way out, grabbing the computer.

"Um, hi, people, I've got a message, from the author of this story," the minion said. "The author of this story says, and I quote…"

The minion dropped down, getting a blow dart to the neck and he fell to the ground. There was a figure who stepped forward, dressed in a top made of leopard skin, along with top leather pants, and he had dark hair, along with a beard.

"Good day, for all of you are unaware, I am Kraven, the greatest hunter in the world," Kraven said with a leer on his face. "I have come all the way from Mother Russia by Way of Mother Africa to give you this message. I am here to give you PSA about very important cause, and that is about our endangered species."

There was a nervous hum.

"You see, if they were strong, they would not be endangered, in fact, the fact that they are so rare, it makes hunt so much more thrilling," Kraven said and he read his cue card. "And it is much like the Internet, where you have to hunt for positivity because positivity is most endangered creature at all. Bah, you never see some people unless they are critical of hard work and effort. I hear from people, who tell me, hey Kraven, why haven't you captured Spider-Man? Well I'd like to see all of you hunt down Spider-Man, and capture him. And I will capture Spider-Man, once again, but I'd like to see all you capture Spider-Man."

Kraven cleared his throat.

"There are a bunch of people who talk trash behind their keyboard, but they do not know what a jungle is like out there," Kraven said once again. "You people who try to coddle endangered species, disgust Kraven. It just proves how weak you are, to champion such causes. They say man is the most dangerous game…..but I disagree. Because if they were dangerous game, then they would not be weak."

Kraven walked around once again.

"Do not deny, Kraven sees you out here, you scoff at him, and you scoff at his ability from behind a monitor, the only thing you hunt down is bag of Cheetos at corner grocery store," Kraven said with a chuckle and he smiled. "But some of you need to be a bit more optimistic, because one day I will have Spider-Man, and he will be stuffed and mounted by Kraven."

Deadpool snickered but didn't say anything, because he couldn't.

"Do not protect endangered species, for if they were meant to be alive, they would grow strong and would be able to not be extinct," Kraven said once again looking at them. "But the most extinct species is man who has sense and unable to be strong and great like mighty hunter. But it has been woman who has made man like this, am I right comrades?"

Deadpool pinched his nose, as if he was smelling something rather foul and rancid.

"HEM HEM!"

He knew that it was coming but Kraven turned towards her, with Dolores Umbridge staggering forward.

"And she has walked into my lair, the great frog woman of the Amazon, just like Deadpool has said," Kraven said and he pulled out his hunting knife, ready to add another trophy to his room. "Remember, do not judge, unless you have experienced thrill of the hunt."

Kraven stalked Umbridge and the woman was in terror, as the mighty hunter lunged at her.

"You might be able to jump high, but not as high as Kraven."

'_So, what the hell was that all about anyway?' _one of the voices in Deadpools thought.

'_Wait, I can speak, as long as it's my own thoughts, loophole FTW!' _Deadpool shouted. _'And I honestly don't know…oh that's got to leave a mark.'_

Deadpool turned and cleared his throat but suddenly the same suited man appeared on the stage. It was Voldemort's lawyer….no wait his evil lawyer.

'_Well if it isn't fun sucker McGee,' _Deadpool thought, seeing Voldemort's lawyer make his way to the top of the stage.

"Mr. Wilson, my client is willing to drop the charges, on one condition," Voldemort's evil attorney said, twirling his mustache as he spoke.

Deadpool waved his hands.

"You can speak now, providing you agree to the Dark Lord's demands."

'_Wait, we're going to leave a cliffhanger, on a PSA,' _Deadpool thought and there was a confirmation that they were fading to black. _Oh you douchebag of an author, you might not even update this one for a m….'_

Deadpool was struck down by lightning from a mysterious and powerful source and he fell face first onto the ground.

Raising his hand with his thumb sticking up, Voldemort's evil lawyer stood over him, stroking a pussy, the cat that is, when he looked down at him.

"What are your demands?"

**To Be Continued. **


	5. 999!

_This Deadpool PSA is brought to you by Side Effect Season Two. Starting September 6__th__, 2014. _

* * *

"My name is Wade Wilson, and I do PSAs…..because that's just what I do," Deadpool said, walking up to the stage with shrug. "Anyway, kind of killing time while Voldemort's evil attorney is preparing his list of demands, so,the gag order has been removed. So, sorry if anyone wanted to see me shut up because I'll never shut up, you know, because that's just that thing that I do."

The Merc with the Mouth cleared his throat. He looked up at the wall where Dolores Umbridge's freshly decapitated head was mounted as a trophy.

"Oh, and she got her head severed by Kraven, a moment of silence….yeah that's long enough.

He smiled in response.

"So, I'm here to talk about what really grinds my gears this week," Deadpool said and he cleared his throat. "Fan fiction is an interesting medium where we can express ideas to the world. Granted, that might not be the best thing half of the time….but you know what, you get what you pay for. The fact is you don't like something about the canon, so you change it or perhaps you have your own rocket buster of an idea, so you just have to get it out there for the unwashed masses."

Deadpool cleared his throat.

"Canon is a base, but you should not feel constricted by canon," Deadpool replied with a smile. "Therefore fucking rip up the world and put it back in your own is your story, the jackass who wrote the canon already has your money and the money of several others. And I know if I was someone who made a lot of money, I would be diving in my millions every day like Scrooge McDuck."

The Merc with the Mouth smiled.

"That being said, there's a small, vocal, obnoxious minority, that stick to the canon….and…..well I'll be perfectly honest with you, if I wanted to read the canon as is, I would read the canon, and you'd just kind of come off as a pale imitation," Deadpool added. "But some people, they're canon Nazis, they come up in arms about the littlest change, to the world, perhaps looking at a character in a different way than the hive mind of the fandom or the author intended to. Not naming any names for obvious reasons because we don't want to bash anyone, now do we? You know, because all characters have to be perfect, otherwise we're bashing them."

Deadpool cleared his throat.

"Buuuuttt, that's an entirely other PSA, let's get back into canon Nazis, and how much they have the imagination of a lobotomized flea," Deadpool continued. "Seriously, fanfiction is by nature AU, unless you do a complete copy and paste of the work, which in that case, it's plagiarism. Which is wrong, and makes baby Jebus cry."

The Merc with the Mouth started pacing around.

"Seriously, there's really no point in reading something that sticks to the canon, but that's the trap hat a lot of authors will fall into, because otherwise they get accused of writing people OOC….despite the fact that there have been a number of characters who have had varying interpretations, in order to compensate for the changing times," Deadpool said and he paused. "Buuuut, that's another PSA for another time."

He slapped his hand against the pedestal.

"But as I was saying, why in the name of Stan Lee's blue balls are you reading fan fiction if you want a full retread of the canon, with all of the same people having all of the same relationships," Deadpool said and he smiled. "So you Canon Nazis, behold your match, the AU Jew."

'_I can't believe that you just went there,' _Deadpool voice said.

'_I can,' _another Deadpool commented.

"So in other words, canon Nazis should go play in traffic, and people should not fear thinking outside the box, even if it's something that is a disgrace against all nature, but…hey, who am to judge?" Deadpool asked. "If you want the canon, read the book, watch the movie, watch the show, bend over, grab the pliers, and pull your head out of your ass. Leave fanfiction alone"

As if on cue, Voldemort's evil lawyer returned.

"Here are my list of demands," Voldemort's evil lawyer said.

"Really, no cliffhanger?" Deadpool asked. "I'm proud of you, you're not being a douchebag author for once, well done."

"First of all, Voldemort wishes to sue you for damages caused to his character," Evil Lawyer Guy said. "He wishes for you to settle for damages of $9.99."

"Really, $9.99?" Deadpool asked.

"Yes, $9.99," evil lawyer got said.

"I don't have the slightest idea what you could get for $9.99 these days, but I'm sure someone rammed something down our throats somewhere in this world that we can get for $9.99," Deadpool answered.

"Secondly, I wish for a public apology," Evil Lawyer guy said. "And a written copy to be delivered to the Dark Lord in blood."

"In blood?" Deadpool asked.

"In blood," the evil lawyer guy commented

"$9.99?" Deadpool asked.

"Yes, $9.99," the evil lawyer guy commented.

"And thirdly, the Dark Lord demands proper air time on this Deadpool PSA to share his side of the story and address the slanderous comments that he made for him."

"So wait, Voldemort will be showing up, next chapter?" Deadpool asked. "So do I have to pay $9.99 to get that or is that free?"

Deadpool stopped and smiled.

"So, I guess the Dork Lard will be here next time, on Deadpool PSA plaza…."

"HEM HEM!"

Deadpool turned around and saw Dolores Umbridge standing there in the flesh and she stared him down.

"Wait a minute, didn't we kill you off between the last chapter and this one?" Deadpool asked.

"I don't know what malicious lies you're spreading," Umbridge whispered and there was a nasty scowl on her face. "But you won't stop me again…"

"Well, I didn't want to do this, but you forced me this," Deadpool said and he took a step back when Umbridge walked towards him.

"You thought that it was amusing to send that….that….that….wrestler after me," Umbridge said and Deadpool smiled.

"Yeah, kind of amusing, and I'm sure that you could see the match for $9.99 or something like that," Deadpool answered.

"Well, the joke is on you, Mr. Wilson, because I have acquired a services of one of these….wrestlers, and he's coming to get you soon," Umbridge said and she waggled her finger at Deadpool.. "And when he gets his hands on you….anything he does to you…..it won't be his fault."

Umbridge stormed off, but she went through the wrong door. She dropped down into a pit full of alligators, sharks, electric eels, and the worst of all, one live Justin Bieber.

"I don't know who brought her back," Deadpool said. "I mean who would do something that **Sinister. **You would have to be pretty **Sinister **to bring someone like Dolores Umbridge back. I mean who could do something that **Sinister, **they would have to be pretty **Sinister, **to do something that **Sinister."**

'_So do you have any idea who brought her back?' _the voice in Deadpool's head asked.

'_Not in the slightest,' _Deadpool dead panned.

**To Be Continued**


End file.
